Marvel High and Deadpool
by morgana006
Summary: Who knew that the sudden introduction of a new student would have such explosive results? Nate Dayspring, the new kid in school, is instantly found attractive by Wade Wilson, who hasn't felt so alive since he stole Jean Grey's Cheerleader outfit. AU,slash
1. The New Kid

_Alternate Universe, slash (but not anything really serious). Uh, before you start you should know that I love breaking the forth wall, introducing cameo characters, and general crack. _

_Characters not mine, they're owned by marvel. Most of them are older in canon than they are in this fic, and here they go by their names, rather than code-names._

_Well, enjoy._

Wade Wilson hated high school. He used to think it could be a place for hot chicks, but after being suspended for running through the girl's locker room when he was late for gym class, he was less inclined to feel he had the freedom. Plus, ever since then all the girls thought he was a perv. Okay, so maybe they were right, but Wade felt he only had eyes for Bea Arthur. His friend Weasel always liked to hear of the locker room story in detail. And the girls called _Wade_ a perv.

This particular day was no different. There were the goth chicks, behind the drama room, smoking. He hated those girls. All whine and no time for lovin'. He walked past the field as their gym teachers, Mr. Rogers and Mr. Thor, yelled at the jocks to keep running. Wade didn't mind sports, but after he came to a soccer game dressed as a cheerleader that crowd had hated him too. He walked up the steps to the school, his grotesque skin stared at by freshmen and laughed at by the preps, who had been antagonizing him after he had beaten up Summers and stolen the guy's shades. Served him right anyway.

In short, Weasel was his only friend (other than the kind lady he kept locked in the forgotten Janitorial closet on the second floor). He came to homeroom at last, thinking that maybe he and people just didn't get along. After all, if they can't recognize a Ferris Bueller reference right away, then perhaps they're just not worth talking to. Problem was, Weasel was a junior and he was a senior, so they had no classes together. So that meant a whole morning with the usual jerks. He sat down at his desk and started carving "DP 3BA" into it.

"You know that new Canadian transfer student?"

That was Jean Gray. For years she had been decent to him until he had stolen her cheerleading outfit. Surprisingly, Wade thought, she hadn't died yet.

"Jean-Paul?"

And that was Warren Worthington III, the rich kid. Wade wasn't entirely sure why he didn't go to some fancy shmancy private school, or why he wore a coat that came from an old detective movie.

"Yeah," said Jean.

"What about him?"

That second person was Jean's boyfriend Scott Summers, mentioned previously. Wade had suspicions that he fantasized about that other cheerleader, Emma.

"Is it just me, or does he seem kind of…"

"Gay?"

It took them that _long_? Sheesh, Northstar's gay in almost every single continuity, unlike a certain Peter Rasputin.

Speaking of Russians… there he was, talking to Kurt Wagner by the window. Wade always thought the way Kurt always held his fingers split was a little odd. Most of the character introductions done, let's get to the important stuff.

Mr. Xavier, their English teacher, rolled in on his wheelchair, followed by a boy Wade didn't know.

The boy had a strange glowy eye thing going on and a criss-cross scar on the other eye. His brown hair had silver in it, which was odd. Hey new kid, Wade thought, Rogue called, she wants her hairstyle back.

"Settle down, students," said Xavier, "I'd like to introduce you to a new student. This is Nathan Dayspring."

Apparently the author didn't feel like making everybody call him by his full name, thought Wade. The kid (by rights he was the same age as Wade) looked around the classroom, his stare a little too intense for some people. Jean Grey frowned, and Xavier's eyes flickered to Nathan.

"You can call me Nate," said the new kid smoothly.

"I'll just take the attendance and then you can head to your next class," said Mr. Xavier, and turning to Nate he said, "Here's your schedule. Your first class is here with me."

Huh, thought Wade, same class as him. Kinda convenient. Wade pushed that thought out of his head and instead wondered mildly why no one had commented on the glowy eye. Maybe the whole school was full of freaks, so perhaps the glowy-eye thing was just… Hold on, somebody was talking.

"…seat taken?"

"What? Did somebody say Bea/Tolkien? I hate that pairing!"

"No, I said is this seat taken?"

It was the new kid, Nate, eyeing him oddly and gesturing to the seat beside Wade's.  
"Nope, sit away," said Wade, trying to keep his mind from the glowy eye.

"What are you called?"

"Perv."

"What?"

Yep, new kid definitely staring.

"Oh, you mean my name? Wade Wilson. No relation to Slade Wilson, honest."

"Nice to meet you," said Nate, though he didn't sound too sure, holding out a hand.

Wade hesitated, and then shook it. For some odd reasons the touch sent shivers up his spine.

"So, uh, do you like spatulas? Or how about the Olsen twins?"

To his surprise, Nate smiled and said, "Not very good at small talk are you?"

"I'm fine at small talk!" said Wade indignantly while thinking that perhaps another friend couldn't hurt.


	2. Enchilada

"Friends are useless," grumbled Wade though a mouthful of enchilada.

"I appreciate your support," said Weasel, "What's with this sudden notion?"

Lunch. Wade had somehow found himself in class all morning with the new kid, Nathan Dayspring a.k.a. Nate, and yet…

"Lookit them fawn over him and his glowy eye," said Wade, scowling at the lunch line, where Jean Grey, Scott Summers and Nate were chatting.

Weasel looked over his shoulder.

"Is that the new guy?"

"Name's Nate. He was pretty cool until his mom (well, the chick him mum was cloned from anyway) and pop started drooling over him. Can we talk about something else? Like the Olsen twins?"

Wade started shoveling more food into his mouth as Weasel eyed him curiously.

"You were the one who brought it up," muttered Weasel.

"No I didn't!" said Wade defensively, but after a raised eyebrow from Weasel, he said, "Okay, maybe I did, but what does it matter?"

Weasel opened his mouth to answer, but somebody had just come up behind him, making him close it.

"Is this seat taken?" asked Nate, holding a tray full of food and gesturing at one of the many empty places at the table.  
"Look like it's taken?" said Wade, spilling some food from his mouth as Nate sat down.

"Hello, I'm Nate," said Nate to Weasel.

"Hey," said Weasel, looking from Wade to Nate, "Weasel."

Wade swallowed and asked, "Thought you were hangin' out with them?"

"Oh, you mean Jean and Scott?" asked Nate, "Nice people, but talking to Jean gives me a headache. I thought I might eat with you."

Wade actually felt rather smug at hearing this, but for some odd reason it wasn't the thought of someone else getting a headache from Jean that was making him smug. He decided quickly to change the subject.

"This is some good enchilada. …I like that word. Like chimichanga. Chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga."

"What classes to you have this afternoon?" asked Nate.

"Wha? Oh, uh, fun-time-with-mister-Rogers and then I've got cookies class."

Nate looked at Weasel who quickly explained, "Gym and home economics."

"Home ec?" asked Nate, "Somehow you don't seem the type to bake cookies."

"Okay so maybe I hate Martha Stewart but there are a lot of chicks in that class… plus the writer found the idea of me in an apron funny, so…" explained Wade.

Wade looked at Nate and was surprised to find an odd espression in the new kid's face. He couldn't quite tell what it was but the little smile made him feel a little funny. And not the one-liners type funny. The dastardly pretty floppy-thingies in your stomach kind of funny.

"Um, yeah," said Weasel, rolling his eyes, "I got a spare and computer class. Meaning I'll be watching downloaded episodes of Battlestar Galactica…"

"Well, I have gym so…"

"Cool!" said Wade, "I tellya that Mr. Rogers is almost like having Captain America as your gym teacher…"


	3. Funtime with Mr Rogers

"Very good, mister Dayspring," said Mr.Rogers "That was a very impressive jump."

Nate rolled off the mat and onto the grass. Wade peered around the line as he tried to see how high Nate jumped. Anything Nate could do he could do better. Wade wasn't entirely sure why he wanted to show how aerobatic he could be to Nate, but he figured a little showin' off and gloating would be fun.

"Anything you can do, I can do better," sung Wade as the next person (Scott Summers) started his jump.

"Excellent Mr. Summers," cried Mr. Rogers, "Next!"

"I can do anything better than you…" Wade sung, as Jean-Paul took his turn.

"This really works better as a duet…" he muttered.

"Mr. Wilson!"

"Maybe I should get Weasel and we can go all Timon and Pumbaa…"

"Mr. Wilson!"

"Sphincter says what?"

Mr. Rogers looked sternly at him with those blue eyes of his. Only people with bluer eyes would probably be hobbits. Oh, it was his turn. Right.

He started running. Jumping through the air, Wade flipped easily and landed swiftly on his feet a meter farther than the mat ended.

"Thank you for showing off, Mr. Wilson," said Mr. Rogers, before shouting, "Next!"

"Like stealing candy from a baby. Oh, unless you count Mr. and Mrs. Richards' kid. Man that boy can bite. Like trying to tickle Bunnicula. I like that name. Bunnicula. Bunniii-cuuuulaaaa."

"Impressive," said Nate.

"Like the governor of California's chest—oh wait, were you talking about me?" asked Wade, pulling his eyes off of Nate's chest.

Nate raised an eyebrow and said, "I can't quite figure you out, Wade."

"Me?" said Wade, "I'm easy. Obsession over Bea Arthur, killer moves, and a few one-liners."

Nate chuckled, a sort of know-it-all chuckle that made you want to punch him in the face. Ten times.

"Wade!"

Wade turned around to see Weasel darting across the field, avoiding track and field obstacles and couples making out on the field while Mr. Rogers wasn't looking.

"Man, almost makes you want to call them Pwen or Geter or something," muttered Weasel as he arrived.

"Weas!" cried Wade, "Whatcha doin'? Don't you have a class or something?"

"I have a spare, you idiot, I told you that," said Weasel.

"Oh."

If Wade was a more perceptive person he might have noticed the tension in the air. Nate just watched with a bemused smirk on his face, but it was that same smirk that caused Weasel to skip out on researching lesbians in the library to check out a suspicion of his. But Wade didn't know that. Or notice that when Weasel opened his mouth to retort, Nate inched closer to Wade.

"Yeah, well you probably have other people on your mind," said Weasel with a meaningful look at Nate.

Nate raised an eyebrow and said, "You seem to have a good take on Wade here."

"I have known him for more than a day," said Weasel.

"Relax, will you? I…"

"Mister Dayspring, you're up again!" shouted Mr. Rogers.

Nate glanced at Wade and trotted off to go high jump again. Weasel pushed his glasses up higher on his nose and watched him go. Meanwhile, Wade reflected on how it was a good thing he couldn't hear the narrator. That and thinking about the Olsen twins meant that he missed the entire thing.

On the other side of the high jump, Jean-Paul turned to his new friend Bobby Drake and said, "Some people have all the luck."

Bobby didn't get it.


	4. Deadpool Cookies

Wade stumbled from the home ec classroom, covered in flour and some very delicious cookie dough that unfortunately contained a good deal of his blood, which meant nobody wanted to eat his cookies. He frowned at the bag containing the cookies he had christened "Deadpool Cookies".

"You'd think that somebody would eat _cookies_ no matter _how_ much blood is in 'em…" he muttered.

"I'll eat them."

Wade's head shot up.

"You sure?" asked Wade, "'Cause I don't want to get sued if you get any STDs…"

"I won't sue you for forcing you to give me your cookies," said Nate, taking the bag of sweets.

Wade opened his mouth to mention something about children's TV shows when a growly person burst out of the art room.

"You're all dismissed," said Mr. Howlett as he stormed off.

"Hugh Jackman would be ashamed of him," said Wade.

Wade turned back to Nate only to find him pleasantly eating the Deadpool Cookies. He actually… seemed to be enjoying them.

"So," said Nate, between bites, "How come they've got your blood in them? Kitchen accident?"

"Felt up my baking partner," said Wade, and after a raised eyebrow from Nate, he said, "I didn't realize cookie-cutters were so sharp!"

"You don't look wounded," Nate said, peering for any wounds.

Oh crap. Quick Wade, quick, think of something. He can't see the bandages? It was only a flesh wound? He got better? Well, he did get better, but that was only because of… anyway, excuse! Excuse!

"I'm Batman!" he shouted.

The few students who were finally leaving Mr. Howlett's class stopped and stared. Well, that wasn't exactly what he meant to say. What should he do? Beat them all up until Nate forgot the question? No, best idea yet…

He ran away.

Nate finished off the last cookie, and then followed, walking quickly.

"Brilliant idea, Wade, run away," he muttered to himself as he dashed down the hallways, "Didn't spout off a good one-liner!"

As he sped out of the school doors, the stairs ahead with freedom, he put out a foot to leap down and away when… he slipped on a banana peel. By Charlie Chaplin, who leaves banana peels lyin' around? Frikk'n slapstick comedy…

The first step hit his face like a ton of bricks, but that was only the beginning. Several steps and many bruises later, Wade landed quite un-elegantly at the foot of the steps, the clear summer air not cheering him up at all. Stupid air. Stupid steps. Stupid banana peel. Stupid cookies. Stupid hormones. At least he got away from the awkward situation with Nate… Oh no wait, he'd caught up.

"You okay, Wade?"

"M'kay, only a flesh wound, ol' healing… I mean, uh, enchiladas!"

Nate pulled him up onto his feet, brushing dust off Wade's shoulders as he let the babbling buffoon lean on him. Wade mildly considered how comfortable Nate was, and almost got lost in his arms, like some corny romance movie…

"Shouldn't you have broken something?" asked Nate, "Or has your… healing factor dealt with it?"

Oops.

"I, um, well, see, yeah."

Whatever that meant.

"C'mon, let's get you away from these witnesses…" said Nate worriedly, seriously concerned that Wade was acting stranger than usual.

"How're you enjoying your first day of school?" asked Wade, letting Nate drag him off.

"Oh, you know, not too bad," said Nate, a slight smirk appearing on his face, "I met you, didn't I?"

Stupid slash fanfic.


	5. Popeye Sticks

"So…"

"You go first."

"Do I have to?"

"Yup."

Wade took another Popeye stick from Nate. They were sitting in the bright sunlight uptown on a bench, watching the cars pass by slowly.

"I figured it out after the cookies thing," said Nate, "Plus, this school seems to have a really high amount of them."

"Mutants?"

"Super powered people," said Nate, "You're a mutant?"

"Yup," said Wade, even though it wasn't true.

"So am I."

"I knew there was something goin' on with the glowy-eye," said Wade, doing an Edgeworth and shaking his finger in the air, "So what you got?"

"Telepathy, telekinesis, the usual," said Nate, "You have a healing factor and probably heightened abilities, right?"

"Yup," said Wade, "So you can read my mind?"

"Actually, I can't," said Nate.

Wade chuckled, taking another Popeye stick, "So I'm your kryptonite?"

"I guess," said Nate, pulling the precious Popeye sticks away from Wade's reach, "Can't you get your own?"

"But they're so expensivvveeeee," whined Wade, pawing Nate's shoulder, "And the corner stores sooooo far away!"

"What are you talking about?" snorted Nate, "They're only thirty cents at the corner store, which _is right behind us_."

Wade looked around, staring at the large sign labeled "Corner Store" behind them. The window had signs and posters pasted on it, including a large one that said, "All candy on the candy shelf three for dollar! 30 cents each!"

"Oh yeah," said Wade, looking back at Nate, but still trying to reach for the Popeye sticks.

He finally leaned forward too far and ended up falling into Nate's lap. There was a pause in the conversation as Wade considered staying there, at least until Lois and Clark came on. Nate's lap was surprisingly comfy. Like his Deathstroke plushie at home. The one he had specially made because who would want a _Deathstroke_ plushie? He waited for Nate to push him off his lap.

And waited.

Finally, Wade pulled himself up, snatching the Popeye sticks on the way.

"_Hey_…" said Nate, but Wade wasn't sure if he was complaining about the Popeye sticks or if he wanted Wade to stay on his lap.

Wade found himself hoping it was the second one, 'cause that made his heart go thump-thump.

"So, you wanna go watch Johnny Depp, Mr. McPretty and Drunkington?"

"Not really."

"Figured you weren't a Pirates fan," Wade said, "What about the Golden Girls? Mmmmm, Bea Arthur…"

Meanwhile in a completely different place, and the author apologizes profusely for the sudden switch, there was a subplot.

Weasel stood by the entrance stairs of the school, looking around for his friend Wade.

"I thought we were going to walk home together…" said Weasel to himself, "Watch some Battlestar Galactica and maybe even some Firefly…"

He waited some more, even though he suspected that the new kid had stolen him. Until a freshman stumbled out of the main doors with a toilet paper stuck to his shoe. The poor kid looked around until he spotted Weasel.

"You don't know anywhere to hide, do you?" he asked, "The rest of the Humiliated Youths Doing Radical Actions club is kinda mad at me…" 


	6. Teleportation

"And then they made me their chief," said Wade, "And the audience doesn't get it 'cause he was talking between the scenes! At least not 'till the second movie… Wonder what human flesh tastes like? Prob'ly nasty. But not as nasty as that one porno I watched the other day with some guy dressed as a pope and a chicken…"

"Do they really make those?" asked Nate, raising an amused eyebrow.

"You betcha," said Wade, "S'long as it's on the internet. You can find _anything_ on the internet. Like us!"

Nate and Wade had left the park bench, but continued talking as they walked. Living in a small town, there was pretty much nothing better to do than wander around aimlessly.

Wade suddenly looked at his watch, crying, "Oh man, I forgot! Dad wanted me to actually come to dinner for once."

"For once?" asked Nate curiously.

"Yeah, well, I haven't come to dinner much since Mom died, but Dad's general is coming today…" said Wade, his good mood dropping faster than Bobby Drake's temperature.

"…I never knew my father."

They stood in silence for a couple of seconds.

"Now say it again with an Australian accent," said Wade.

Nate snorted, and lightly punched Wade's shoulder.

"That was a good movie," Nate admitted.

"Yeah, but it scared me off dentists for ages," said Wade, nodding.

Nate paused, and then asked, "You going home now?"

"Yeah, see you later."

"…Tomorrow then."

Wade waved and slouched off.

"I'm looking forward to it," said Nate, turning to leave just as Wade's head shot up.

"Me too."

Nate smiled as he rounded the corner. Wade watched him go before starting off again He had only gone a few steps when quite suddenly his hold on gravity started to slip.

"Curse you Richards…..!" he cried, shaking his fist in the air as the Bodyslide pulled him away.

And then he was unexpectedly halfway through Nate, somewhere entirely different.

There was a huge splorching sound as Wade pulled himself from Nate's innards and blood splashed across the floor and all over their clothes.

"Well I wasn't expecting _that_," Wade gasped as his healing factor quickly went into overdrive.

Nate started healing as well, to both of their surprise.

"What? By askani, the cookies!"

"I know you're growing back your stomach, Nate, but loosing the cookies in your belly really isn't the important thing here," sniffed Wade, "And people call _me_ an idiot!"

Nate sighed, and pulled off his blood-covered shirt.

"The blood in the cookies must have linked me to you somehow, so when I tried to Bodyslide you teleported with me."

Wade would have made a snarky comment about how Nate didn't mention being able to teleport, but the sight of Nate's newly-healed bare chest had made it rather hard to have coherent thoughts.

"I think if you came home in those clothes," started Nate, "Your dad will freak. We'll need to get them off."

Wade snapped out of it. Or rather, his thoughts became coherent in so far that they went like this:

"Nate wants to get my clothes off?"

"Well that sounds fun."

"Waitaminute, where did my Olsen Twins thoughts go? Oh well."

"Oh crikey, he hasn't put his shirt back on."

"…I hope he doesn't put his shirt back on."

"Maybe I should take mine off?"

"Best fic ever!"

So it ended up that Wade took off his disgustingly ripped bloody shirt off for a completely different reason then what Nate had asked him to take it off for. Unfortunately, Nate had gone into the next room to get some clean clothing for Wade. Our hero was fairly disappointed.


	7. Nerds

"Hey, how come you have an entire folder on your computer labeled 'Wade'?"

Weasel peered around the door of the kitchen.

"Uh, ignore that," he said.

Bob, having somehow found himself dragged off to Weasel's house, moved the mouse away from the suspiciously stalker-like file labeled after the hero of this story and to the right folder, which contained several illegally downloaded episodes of the original Star Trek. In his kitchen, Weasel grabbed a root beer. He paused, hand still halfway in the refrigerator, as he wondered what Wade Wilson was doing right then.

Unknownst to him, Wade was getting undressed in Nate Dayspring's house. But not _by_ Nate, like Wade secretly wished.

"Hey waitaminute, where did Nate go?" Wade asked aloud, pulling down his blood-covered pants.

The door opened and a pair of clean pants shortly followed by a clean shirt were roughly thrown through the door, soundly hitting Wade in the face. Wade cursed at the wordiness of this chapter, and reluctantly pulled on the pants.

"Didja iron these yourself?" asked Wade, "What, are you some kinda nerd or somethin'? You don't keep a calculator on you, do you?"

From the other room, Nate called, "Says the guy who spends his days watching Battlestar Galactica and the Golden Girls."

Wade pulled on the shirt as he looked around the room. It was rather plain, with a mattress (but no bed), a duffle bag, a map of North America and what looked like a copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

"42!" he cried, "That was the last mark I got in History! That must mean…"

"Please don't finish that sentence," said Nate, coming into the room all dressed.

"This your pad? Where's the parents? Oh no wait, they're busy savin' humanity and stuff, except your mum who's only a clone of a mutant that is either evil, all powerful, or dead."

Nate raised an eyebrow, but before he could as Wade to shut up, as Wade suspected he would do since that was what _everybody_ did, he "I know, I know, you never knew your father. All that Finding Nemo exposition/reference stuff from the last chapter… So you live here all alone?"

"Yeah," said Nate, looking away from Wade, but not being able to stop his glowy eye from flashing, "But come on, you said you had to go home."

"Oh yeah."

"Let's try this… You live at 52 Yellowbrick Road, right? Bodyslide by two."

"How did you…?"

They disappeared from Nate's room and appeared in front of Wade's place.

"Hey, you never said you could teleport."

"Oops, must have slipped my mind," said Nate, the sarcasm dripping from his words.

Wade looked at the kid beside him, and grinned.

"There you go! Stop being so grim and gloomy all the time. As if you've got the whole world on your shoulders."

Nate pushed him toward the door as he said, "What if I do?"

"Stop answering questions with questions!"

"Am I doing that?"

Wade opened his own front door and sniffed in a highly dramatic, sarcastic way.

"You're so mean."

He went inside and closed the door behind him, leaving Nate on the porch.

"Why thank you."

Wade peeked through a gap in the curtains of the door's window. He watched as Nate stood there, before he left, hands in pockets, to walk home.

"Wade, that you? You're late."

"Sorry, Pa, hope you saved me some HB sauce."


	8. A Hint of Antagonism

"You were supposed to come to my place after school yesterday," said a disgruntled Weasel, unable to keep a hint of bitterness from his voice, "We were going to watch some porn."

"Sorry, I got distracted by cookies, a banana peel, Popeye sticks and a certain lack of clothing," explained Wade while not explaining anything at all.

School had not started yet, so Wade Wilson and his best friend Weasel were hanging out in front of the school.

Weasel was going to tell Wade about Bob, member of the HYDRA club, when he was interrupted.

"Hey you, perv!"

Wade turned around to find himself with a very angry looking Jean Grey, one of his classmates. Her boyfriend Scott Summers hung in the background, looking awkward.

"Hello, Jeanie, how's cheerleading?"

"Why were you hanging out with Nate yesterday? He's actually pretty normal, so why would he hang out with the likes of you?" Jean demanded while Weasel scowled at them both.

"What do you care?" asked Wade, "'sides, he's not normal, haven't you seen his weird glowy eye?"

"What glowy eye?" asked Scott before his girlfriend hushed him.

Well that was food for thought, Wade briefly noted, putting it in a box in his mind right beside the entire room devoted to obscure pop culture references.

"Is there a problem?" asked a familiar voice.

"Hey, Nate," said Wade, looking at the newcomer with a grin.

Jean Grey and Scott Summers denied everything and claimed they were just chatting before making a hasty retreat into the school. Wade ignored them as his entire attention was taken by the boy with white in his hair. Weasel left, unnoticed by Wade. The bell rang.

"Causing trouble already, Wade?"

"Me? Since when do I cause trouble?"

Nate lifted an eybrow.

"Okay, good point."

Nate smiled, and said, "Shouldn't we be getting to class?"

"Righto."

Wade chatted away about absurdities as they headed up to class, but Nate was strangely silent. He didn't agree or disagree on whether or not enchiladas were an excellent source of nutrients (the author apologizes for vocabulary Wade would never use), nor did he comment on Wade's assurance that the reason nobody talked to Nate was because he hung out with somebody so unpopular as he. Wade, upon realizing that Nate wasn't commenting because he wasn't listening.

He did something that was almost impossible for him to do.

He shut up.

And he started to think.


	9. Eyewitnesses

Weasel slammed his fist into the locker, startling a very young pair of freshmen who just happened to be walking by, and Bob, who shifted uncomfortably.

"Ow, ow, cripes that hurt!" cried Weasel, rubbing his now sore hand and sniffing, looking quite pathetic with his glasses askew.

"Uh, Weasel, you okay?" asked Bob, wondering why he was hanging out with this guy instead of the HYDRA club.

The glare Weasel sent him froze him in his tracks, but was surprisingly followed by a rather heartfelt sigh as the angry youth said, "It's the new guy. Nate."

"He seems pretty nice," said Bob, thinking back to when he saw him the day before.

"HE'S NOT NICE!" shouted Weasel, close to tears.

The freshmen who had almost reached the end of the hall, jumped and fled. They scrambled down the stairs, straight into Wade Wilson, who was heading up them.

"Argh, I'm being attacked by cute freshmen!"

Nate, who was still walking with Wade, snapped out of his funk and pulled the two girls off Wade. He raised his eyebrow and they immediately started stammering explanations and apologies. Wade sat up, watching the little duckies fly circles around his head. Most of their jimmer-jammer floated right over his head, but one word struck him.

"Weasel?" he asked the two girls, "Why was he shouting?"

"How would I know?" snapped the braver of the two girls, "Laurie and I were just walking down the hall when he suddenly strikes the locker. The other guy asks 'Weasel, you okay?', and then they talk, when all of a sudden he shouts! The jerk!"

"Sofia, we have to get to class," said the shy blonde girl, a strange scent flowing off her.

Not only was Sofia suddenly worried, but so were Nate and Wade.

"I feel a disturbance in the force," said Wade, "as if a rather amusing fanfic started to take an angsty turn..."

Nate said nothing, but started to walk up the stairs again, not listening as Wade started to go over every possible explanation for Weasel's sudden behavior change, including, but not limited to, skrulls, emoboys with superpunches, scarlet witches, clones, mind control, retcons, sudden emotional trauma, and bad cheese.

Suddenly, the bell rang.

"We really should be getting to class now," said Nate, "What do you have first?"

"History than a spare, than enchilada time," replied Wade, smacking his lips in anticipation, "You?"

"Math and a spare," stated Nate before asking, "Enchilada time is Wade for 'lunch', right?"

"You got me," snickered Wade, "You did good for somebody I met yesterday. Or would that be ten months, including ridiculously long writer delays?"

"Nate!" came a voice, female and fiery, "Do you have English next?"

Wade felt uncomfortable as Jean Grey and her accessory, Scott Summers, came up to the pair, Jean Grey smiling and tossing her red hair, her eyes seeking Nate and conveniently slipping right past Wade as if he wasn't there. Nate smiled at them and replied in the affirmative.

"Do you have the textbook? We're studying statistics this week."

'I'll turn you into a statistic' grumbled Wade in his thoughts.

"No, but Mr. Xavier told me yesterday that all the teachers would lend me a copy of the textbooks..."

They started small-talking, as Nate and Jean Gray started to head towards Math class, and Wade watched them go frowning, as did Scott, who did not seem pleased either. Wade was about to skulk off frowning when Nate turned and waved.

"Meet you in the library, okay, Wade?"

"Neato!" cried Wade.

Jean Gray said something that sounded suspiciously insulting, but Wade didn't quite catch it. Stupid redheaded bombshell. She'd be less happy if she knew who Nate was related to, the incesty twit. Her and her stuffy tall boyfriend too. Nate didn't belong with them. He was different. He understood what he meant by 'enchilada time', not to mention the lean muscled upper body...

"Wade, are you going to history class or not?" asked Scott, before running off.

"Argh, I'm late! Curse you, inner monologue! Curse you!"

Several eyewitnesses stared, including a certain student named Bob.


	10. Bob

_My sincerest apologies for this chapter, I find it amusing, so I hope you do. __If not, then you probably have no soul._

Bob, member of the Humiliated Youths Doing Radical Actions (HYDRA) club, being neither the protagonist of this story, nor anybody else important, nonetheless has his role to play. If it weren't for subjective history, perhaps he wouldn't be in this situation.

**If** he had not joined the HYDRA club, they wouldn't have sent him on a particular mission that had no relevance to this story but a good deal of relevance to the HYDRA club. **If** he had not gone on that mission, he would not have failed that mission, and the HYDRA club wouldn't have grabbed their metaphorical torches and pitchforks and gave chase. **If** he wasn't irritating the HYDRA club, he might never have talked to Weasel, and **if** he never talked to Weasel, then he might never have come into this story.

All Bob wanted to do was not fail school due to a stupid rule about being involved in extracurricular activities. More than that, Bob wanted to hide and hope the whole thing would go away.

Bob, however, was in a very special position to observe the players in this story. He knew, for example, that Weasel had a suspiciously stalker-ish folder on his computer labeled "Wade". He also knew that Weasel was getting increasingly lonely and jealous about Wade, which only made him hang out with Bob more. If Bob wasn't afraid of getting involved, he might have played cupid or something. Bob also apparently didn't understand homosexuality, but that's not the point. Not that Bob had anything particular against Weasel, but he felt that it might not be in his best interest to notice what was going on.

This didn't mean he did.

From Bob's point of view, Wade Wilson was Weasel's best friend and completely, utterly, intolerably insane. Nate Dayspring was a prettyish looking guy with white in his hair and a particularly unmemorable eye. Bob wasn't entirely sure why he couldn't remember what that eye looked like, but he didn't really think about it. Weasel, of course, was the kid with the glasses who knew the entire script of Star Wars: A New Hope by heart. He was also, incidentally, the only person that seemed to like Bob enough to talk to him on a regular basis.

Nate apparently had become Wade's new best friend, and Weasel was angry at the change. Bob could understand that, but not to the extent of the heated emotions and tension of the current situation (thinking it an entirely platonic friendship sort of situation).

He also felt that Wade had very little clue about what was going on, being entirely, completely, utterly, terrifyingly insane. Therefore, Bob thought, he needed a nudge in the right direction. He didn't want to play cupid, as I said before, but he thought he should mention that Weasel felt a bit slighted, feeling he should underestimate it a bit.

If Bob knew how that day would turn out, not only would he stay home sick, but he'd transfer high schools. He might even move to a different country, one which was not even in Wade Wilson's vocabulary.


	11. Let the Sunshine In

_Almost done! And for any of you who doubted this was slash, this is your chapter._

What were the odds, Wade wondered, that of all people, the one person the teacher paired him up with for the math project was that blasted Summers. He must've grabbed the short straw or something because they barely spoke a word to each other. That wasn't exactly true, since Wade did his usual and chatted inanely the entire time, but unless it was about math, Scott didn't talk to him. Except that one comment.

"Jean's in a pretty bad mood," Scott had said, "You better watch out."

Wade thought the warning was kinda too late, since he'd have to watch out ever since the incident with her cheerleader's outfit. He was packing up his things, about to head for his spare with Nate, which led him to thoughts about things I'd rather not type, really.

Lost in happy thoughts about the boy with the glowy eye, he accidentally ran into Weasel, who was in a worse mood than Jean.

"Wade," said Weasel, "How's it going?"

"Pecs? What? Oh, hi Weasel. What's got your panties in a twist?"

"Nothing, nothing at all," snapped Weasel, then sighed and said, "Sorry- it's just that- nevermind. It doesn't matter. If you haven't- nevermind."

Something penetrated Wade's thoughts, and he looked at Weasel for a few seconds before gasping.

"Oh I know!" he cried, snapping his fingers, "They must've cancelled Heroes or something!"

Weasel stared at him, said "No, that's not it," before bursting in hysterical laughter, and headed off to his next class, laughing his head off in despair.

"What happened to him?" asked a voice behind him, "Did he find out you guys aren't breaking up?"

Wade looked around at Jean, who had come to meet her boyfriend, and grinned.

"Why hello Jeanie, did you discover an intense interest in incest this week?"

"Look, I'm going to try to be nice," she said, "Stay. Away. From Nate. Okay? If he continues hanging out with you, he'll, he'll, be hated. He's a good kid. You're not. Get it?"

"Nope," said Wade, acting for all the world as if it was a polite suggestion and not a thinly veiled threat, "Dunno why you care so much. You got a crush on him or something?"

The slap hit him hard across the face, and Wade was a little surprised. Wade was an idiot, but nobody had ever outright slapped him before, at least not anybody he wasn't related to.

"Jean, that's enough," said Nate, who had come looking for Wade.

"You were supposed to join us," said Jean, "But you turn it down so you could hang out with _him_. You could have been a hero!"

"I can't tell if you're part of the Empire or are Nicole Kidman," said Wade, scratching his head and pondering it.

"Shut up!" snapped Jean, "I've had it with you! Ever since you stole my uniform!"

"I knew it!" cried Wade.

"Did you really…?" said an amused-looking Nate.

Jean turned to him and said, "See? See? I don't understand why you keep on hanging out with this jerk!"

Nate shrugged and simply said, "Because."

"Because _why_?!?" Jean demanded.

Wade suddenly found himself grabbed by Nate, and swept into a sudden romantic kiss.

Wade was sure that somebody was singing in the background (Let the sunshine in…), and if just thinking that Nate wanted him on his lap had made his heart go thump-thump, then this made it want to burst. Wade kissed him back, completely forgetting Jean, forgetting the school, not realizing that there was a crowd watching, not realizing that Bob had dragged Weasel back, not realizing that Jean was floating two inches off the ground.

Bobby drake pulled on Jean-Paul's sleeve and whispered, "Are- are those two guys… kissing?"

"Yes," replied Jean-Paul, "Isn't it romantic?"

Bobby grinned.

"Are- are those two guys kissing?" asked another spectator, pointing towards Jean-Paul and Bobby, "How gay **is** this school?"

Nate pulled away from Wade.

They were both grinning nonsensically.

Jean's eyes glowed fire.

Marvel High was never going to be the same.


	12. School's Out Forever

Jean, please, just-- put the doors down and let's talk about this like rational people," said Nate calmly, as students screamed and ran about.

The doors of all the classrooms vibrated slightly, floating in the air above all their heads.

Wade said, "I've always wanted to be whacked in the face with a floating door. Totally Monsters Inc!"

"SHUT UP!"

Jean whacked him in the face with a door, and he flew back, hitting the wall with such force that it crumbled behind him.

"Ow."

"Jean, honey, owers-pay are excret-say," said Scott Summers, trying to approach his girlfriend, "You really don't want Mr. Xavier having to change everybody's memories again."

This had the opposite effect as intended, as Jean turned furiously on Scott and shouted, "You! I'm a telepath, you jerk! I can hear those thoughts about Emma all the time! You have no right to tell me what I should do!"

While Jean was yelling at Scott, Wade was trying to figure out if the little cupids floating around his head were real. His body was healing rapidly, but his mind hadn't quite recovered from Nate's kiss. Nate snuck over to Wade, and whispered in his ear.

"Wade, you okay? I need you to get the other students out of here. Wade?"

"Yes, lover?"

"Wade, please."

"Righto. One crowd control officer coming up. Soon as I can stand."

"Thank you," said Nate, and kissed him on the cheek, before back to deal with Jean and Scott.

Wade grabbed a couple of students that were hiding in the corner, and started to run. One of them was Bob, who hadn't quite processed what had just happened.

"Uh, Wade?" he asked, "I know this probably isn't the right time..."

"Nono, random student," said Wade, "I have a spare."

"My name's Bob."

"Who?"

"Weasel's friend."

Wade thought about it, and while making them duck a flying brick. He couldn't remember Weasel having any other friends.

"Doesn't ring any bells, Bob ol' chum."

"It would if you would just hang out with Weasel," explained Bob, "You haven't been hanging out with him recently."

"I always hang out with him!" cried Wade indignantly.

"But you've been hanging out with Nate, and Weasel, well, I think he thinks you think Nate's your new best friend."

"Seriously?" said Wade, shoving Bob and the other nameless student who ran away immediately out of the school, "Nate's not my best friend, he's my boyfriend!"

"Um, I'm not--- anyway, Weasel's jealous."

"He is? How sweet, in a kinda soap opera-y sort of way," said Wade, a little touched.

"I just thought I should tell you," said Bob, "Can I run away now?"

"Go right ahead, Bob," said Wade, and darted back inside to get more students.

Most of them, however, had powers, and the ones that didn't had already run away from the scene. Wade got the sudden idea to pull the fire alarm to empty the _entire_ school, which was good thinking considering what happened next.

Nate was using his own telekinesis and Mr. Banner's very large desk to block the objects that Jean was flinging about. He wasn't helped by Scott shooting beams out of his eyes all over the place. He was relieved when Bobby and Jean-Paul had managed to get the rest of the innocent bystanders away.

Wade came running back into the scene, promptly slipping on ice, sliding down the hall, and crashing into Nate.

"Wow, this place looks awful," said Wade, observing the destruction.

It was at that point that the roof finally gave way and came crashing down.


	13. Cheknov's Gunmen

"Weasel, Weasel! We have to get out of here!"

"Leave me alone to die."

Outside of Marvel High, Bob was unsuccessfully trying to get Weasel a safe distance away from the school. There were alarms going off, students dashing about everywhere, teachers shouting for organization, and a general chaotic ruckus. Throughout it all, Weasel sat at the ground and stared at the sky. Bob was seriously getting worried.

"Oh, do you want me to turn up the volume on the Elvis music?" asked Bob, "Let you wallow in your jealousy?"

Weasel looked around at Bob, and merely said, "Wow, that didn't sound like you at all."

"C'mon, it's dangerous out here," said Bob, "I'm sure Wade'll come and talk to you soon, I told him you were feeling a bit, uh, third wheel…y."

"You told him? You _told_ him? You didn't tell him about the file on the computer, did you?"

"Um, no, I wasn't trying to-"

There was a loud crash as the roof collapsed. There was a sudden stunned silence as everybody looked around, and soon there was loud voices and shouts, as the students started to panic even more. Bob gasped.

"Omigawd, Wade went back inside—"

Weasel looked back, a little worried but said, "He'll be fine. Nothing can hurt him."

Wade was saved not by his healing powers, but by Nate's telekinesis, which shielded them from the collapsing of the roof. Nate pushed the bricks and dust off of them, and they crawled out, watching as objects started to circle Jean.

"It's too early," muttered Nate, "It wasn't supposed to happen yet…"

Wade patted Nate on the shoulder and said, "Don't worry, I wasn't expecting the end of the Writer's Strike so soon either. I _like_ reality tv."

"Wade, listen to me," said Nate, "for _two_ seconds. I'm from the future."

"I know, I read your comic," said Wade.

Nate ignored him and continued, "I was sent back to prevent the Phoenix Force from causing Jean Grey to go, er, catastrophic. She was _supposed_ to go crazy when she was in college, but recent events just shifted the timeline. I need to stop her, but in order to do that I have to reach her... the item I need is back at my apartment."

"Then why don't we bodyslide?"

"She's causing too much destruction; I need to stay here to make sure she doesn't kill anyone."

"Curses," said Wade, shoving a fist into his hand, "If only we had some other form of teleportation!"

"I can help," said Kurt Wagner, who had been there most of the conversation but had not been mentioned by the author for dramatic tension.

"Hey, you haven't even turned up since the first chapter!" protested Wade.

"Wade, it's this little pendant shaped like a bird, it should be inside my copy of Hitchhiker's…"

"You hid something in your copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? That is so _cool_! I love you!"

Another crash caused Nate to wince, but he still smiled and said, "I love you too. Now, my apartment is #201, in #87 Lee Lane."

Kurt nodded as Wade grabbed him by the shoulder and said, "C'mon, my blue Chekhov's Teleporter."

They disappeared in a puff of blue smoke, and appeared outside the door of Nate's apartment. Wade decided to not mention the implications of this development concerning the way Kurt's powers worked in the comics. He pushed open the door which was surprisingly open, though Wade thought he saw a glimpse of blue sparkles around the lock.

"Is this your friend's apartment?" asked Kurt, peering around the door, "It is very clean."

"'Cause there's nothin' in it," said Wade, carelessly tossing Nate's few belongings all over the place, "Aha, here's the thingamajig. Let's go."

Kurt grabbed his shoulder and they teleported back. There was a large telekinetic battle going on in the air that used bricks and chairs from the school as missiles. Kurt looked around and spotted his friend Warren Worthington III, who had released his bright white wings and was avoiding flying chalk erasers.

"Warren!" cried Kurt, just before he was knocked out by one of the weapons of choice.

"Well _that's_ really inconvenient," said Wade slyly, "Lucky you're here, eh?"

"Why are you looking at me like that?" asked Warren, a little frightened by Wade's expression.

"Nate!" shouted Wade seconds later as Warren flew him up, "I have the thingy!"

Nate looked around with a thrilled expression, and cried, "Great! Throw it to me, then distract her!"

"How?" Wade shouted back.

"You'll think of something!" said Nate with a wink as he caught the deux ex machina.

Wade distracted her the only way he knew how, and for delicacy, and to keep this fic friendly-rated, I will not divulge the specifics. Let us just say that if Jean was in her right state of mind, she would probably be scarred for life. As it is, Nate managed to successfully get the necklace around Jean's neck.

Jean collapsed, unconscious, and Nate floated down. Everybody was exhausted. Cyclops was unconscious, as was Emma Frost, even though she wasn't even there. For some odd reason, most of the students had blurry memories of the events and couldn't quite explain it to the authorities. Mr. Xavier kept on glaring at Nate, who lay on the ground and stared at the sky. Wade lay with him and contemplated how useless his cookies turned out to be. Suddenly, Nate sat up and looked at Wade.

"Wade, you should talk to Weasel," he said.

"I know," said Wade, not saying much as his thoughts had moved on to the way Nate's hair fell across his face.

"But, before you do, I have to tell you something."

"Expose away," said Wade.

"I have to leave. I was supposed to nullify the phoenix force, and I did. I have to back to the future."

"No way! You have to stay here so we can watch porn and have more slashy adventures!"

Nate fell back onto the ground, and snorted. He loved the way Wade talked.

"If I hadn't met you, maybe she wouldn't have turned so quickly. But if I hadn't met you, I wouldn't care so much about leaving."

"Thought that sort of thinkin' was best left up to bad history scholars."

"You really should talk to Weasel, now that all the cards are on the table."

"I know."


	14. Best Friends Forever

_Seeing as this is the Final Chapter, I wouldn't normally ask this, but I would really appreciate reviews. They are love, and this is the longest fanfic I've ever written. Please tell me what you think of the whole thing. _

_Also, thanks for all the reviews so far. Ya give a little love and it all comes back to you. I might do a sequel, but I'm more likely to do another fic in the same 'verse. After all, Marvel High's main rival is DC High (Ditko City Public)… Ahem. On to the fic. _

"Hey, Rogue, you seen Weasel?" asked Wade, impatiently tugging on the girl's sleeve.

Only a goth could give such a glare as she shook her head and continued trying to persuade Principle Lee to rebuild the school with a bigger arts studios. Wade left them, and continued looking for his best friend. He spotted Warren and Kurt.

"You look like you got run over by Dieter's Anonymous," said Wade, coming up to them, "You guys seen Weasel?"

"No, I am sorry, friend," said Kurt shaking his head.

Did he just call Wade friend? Wade blinked before turning to Angel, who replied in the negative.

"Good luck finding him," said Warren, waving.

That was almost… nice. Wade spotted Jean-Paul and Bobby making out nearby, and headed over to ask them where Weasel was.

"The kid with the glasses?" said Bobby, grinning, "I don't know, I only have eyes for one guy…"

Jean-Paul lightly shoved Bobby and said, "Oui, I saw him. He was, how do you say it? Very depressed. He headed back to the school. Now that it is no longer on fire…"

"Thank god for the Québécois!" exclaimed Wade. 

Dodging firemen, students and various authority figures, even ducking under Mr. Roger's arm, Wade managed to get to the school. It was in complete shambles. Weasel was hanging around the perimeter, anxiously darting his eyes through the rubble.

"Weasel!" cried Wade, "Buddy ol' pal, ol' chum! I'm so happy to see you! I haven't been so happy since the Spice Girls got back together! Well, except half an hour ago when I had my own soundtrack and I was tasting tongue…"

"Wade!" Weasel spun around and said, "I thought you were still in the wreckage! Bob said you went back to the school, and I never saw you leave."

"Sorry, that's what bodysliding's for," said Wade.

Weasel looked at the ground, twisting his hands and shifting his feet nervously. He looked up, adjusting his glasses, before looking away again.

"Um, Bob said that he told you that I was feeling, um, you know…"

"Jealous?"

"Yeah. It's not like I lo—lo--- like --- um…"

"No, it's cool," said Wade, "You're my best friend. I should have spent more time with you instead of Nate. Don't worry, Nate's not my new best friend."

"He's not?"

"Naw, he's my boyfriend."

Weasel stared at him, and Wade almost thought that he could see his friend's eyes getting watery.

"You- you- got together?"

"What? What's wrong? Did you read our last issue? Even the writer got teary-eyed! That's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Heh," said Weasel, wiping his eyes, "You never _got_ it, did you? I always – I mean, I lo- lo- I really like you."

Wade was taken aback as he said, "_Like_ like? Or BFF like? Or Bea Arthur _like_?"

"Like like," said Weasel, "Although, maybe a little Bea Arthur-like."

"Whoa," said Wade, utterly shocked by the extent of the like, "I never knew."

"No duh, your gaydar's not even plugged in."

Wade scratched his head uncomfortably, and before he even opened his mouth, Weasel said, "Just friends. I know. Your heart belongs to Nate, blah blah, insert Titanic theme song here. Speaking of the devil…"

Nate came over, looking a little sad. He lent forward to kiss Wade on the cheek, but suddenly stopped and awkwardly turned to Weasel, who was glaring at him.

"Everything sorted out?" he asked.

"Have fun with your new boyfriend, Wade," said Weasel, who couldn't bring himself to like the guy who stole Wade away.

Weasel turned around and walked off, shoulder's hunched, hands in pockets. He glanced back at them, just as Nate put his arm around the main character's shoulder. He felt like ice cream.

"Weas!" Wade called, "Still best friends, right!"

"Yeah," Weasel called back, forcing a smile, "Still best friends!"

And he left. Wade snuggled into Nate's arm, and put his hand around his boyfriend's waist.

"He'll be alright, right?" he asked.

Nate pulled Wade closer and replied, "Yeah, he'll recover. He might have to watch all four seasons of Stargate: Atlantis without any breaks, though."

Wade giggled, and asked, "Are you leaving now? For the fewcha?"

"I was thinking…"

"A dangerous pastime."

"I was expected to stay here for years, you know. Until the Phoenix Force awakened. The future doesn't need me at my current age. I might as well graduate, maybe go to college…"

Wade ecstatically kissed Nate, pulling away to say, "You sure?"

"Yeah, I think so," said Nate.

They kissed again, longer and more passionately this time. Suddenly, Wade pulled away with a gasp.

"Oh no! I totally forgot about the kind lady I keep locked away in the janitorial closet on the second floor!"

"**What**?"

_That's all, folks! I would like to thank everybody and everyone, including that baby born five minutes ago. wipes away a tear I'm so happy. 'Till next time! Don't go changin'!_


End file.
